Looking for Change…….

Hey friends, hope all is well with everyone. I know it has been quite some time since I have posted a blog, I have even lost quite a few followers due to my inconsistency. The truth is friends, I really don’t know what I want to do with this blog site. I go back and forward on if I want to create new and different content and revamp the blog, or if I want to let it go all together and focus on some of my other goals. And the reasoning for that is life is really changing for me right now, mostly in good ways, but of course with the good, always comes the bad. Not bad in harsh ways but bad as in having to accept and make changes in certain parts of my life and in my relationships. So bad as in growing pains I guess I could say.

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Just a couple of months ago, I woke up one morning and realized I was nearing 40 years old and I was not happy at all. Yes I have the things that I need in life and some that  I want, but I still wanted and still want different. I want to experience real and genuine happiness, freedom, love, and joy. Not the forced kind, or the kind where you convince yourself that you are happy to put up a front for others and especially social media or even to make your loved ones feel more comfortable. So wanting to experience this type of reality moving forward meant making some big changes in my life in all areas be it my relationships, career, education, health, and most importantly my mental health. The biggest challenge so far has been creating boundaries within my relationships because when I started to change, some people around me weren’t ready for me to change, that’s partly because I have always been the type of person that takes care of everything and everyone but myself. Truth be told I looked to fix everyone else and everything else, because I did not want to deal with myself.  I didn’t know where to begin. I did not know who I was, what I really wanted in life, and definitely what my purpose was in this life. So day by day and little by little I started to take a deep look at my life and what I wanted for it. I had to admit some hard truths within myself and accept some things in my life that I absolutely could not change, that started me om my freedom path. I am one who is very cautious and protective, in other words, I like control, lol…but then I realized I had to let go, and let God. I also had to learn to trust the process of letting go. Freeing myself from an over-thinking mind and from the stress it created, I have been able to feel happier and have more genuine experiences. Friends it’s all about getting out of your own way and taking responsibility for your own life, experiences, and happiness. The rest will take care of itself honestly, we just have to open up and let it happen. I am very near turning 40, but with the positive steps I have taken and is still working on, I am confident  that I will be stepping into the big 40 gracefully and happy….Till next time..

Empress….

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Some Roads are meant to be Traveled Alone

So we all know the phrase “You Can’t go through Life Alone” and in a lot of ways that phrase sits very true, but also for some situations it’s not. I think at this point in my life I’m starting to find out the hard way and it’s not easy to deal with.

Anyway, last year I remarried someone that I had been dating on and off for about 2 years and before the year was over I was divorced again. Yes divorced. As I have explained in previous blog posts, I felt a little alone since my kids had found their own lives and are adults now. I was looking for love and life again and finding myself. I guess that road got kind of scary for me. The thought of getting older and being alone and not having a life partner was not what I wanted for my life so when my ex-husband asked me to marry him. I quickly accepted him, knowing he was not what I wanted in a husband, but somehow, I thought I could still create a happy life with him. When in reality I was looking for happiness in him. Which was not right. And it’s funny he would always tell me that but I never wanted to see it. Well once he won the worst husband of the year award and showed me who he really was I decided to end the marriage. After that marriage ended I felt like such a failure and did not want to talk to anyone and tell them that the man I just married, I have now divorced. So, I kept it to myself; well that became torturous and forced me to really sit down and have a long look at myself and ask myself some tough questions that I didn’t want to answer. And the answer was the journey to finding my own happiness is no one’s but my own and I can’t expect to lean on anyone along the way or ill become dependent and never find it. It meant that my happiness journey was meant to be traveled alone. Who wants that? But I had to realize it is very necessary and you know what it’s not half bad. I still have my days where I get a little dependent on friends and family but for the most part, I’m doing great. I’m actually starting to like being alone and having moments of solitude and a bit antisocial.

Through this process, I have learned to wear my big girl drawers and walk alone and be happy doing it. I’m rediscovering my hobbies and even my career path. I’m learning to love and enjoy me more whether it includes someone or not. So, as you can see life is far from easy, we all definitely need a friend or shoulder to cry on at times, but again some paths are simply meant to be traveled alone.

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Thanks for Reading,

Empress…….