Why I decided to let go of a friendship that no longer served me…

I’m a firm believer that God places people in our lives at certain times to fulfill some needs or to get us through some valleys that we may be experiencing at the time. It took a long while for me to understand that everyone that came into my life wasn’t always meant to stay. Especially If I grew to care for them, it being a girlfriend of mine or a love interest or any other person for that matter. It was hard for me to let go when the time was needed, because I didn’t want to realize that their presence was not meant to be permanent. I really don’t like change. I prefer to have a quality group of family and friends to grow old with, but unfortunately life happens and things don’t always go as planned; so let me share a little story about how I came to this conclusion and why……………

I recently decided to end a long friendship. My friend and I we were friends for almost 10 years. We met at our son’s PTA meeting and later found out that not only did we live less than a mile away from each other, but we also worked for the same company, that was crazy lol….Anyway; we instantly became friends. We had so much in common. We both were single moms with 3 children, she had two girls and 1 boy, I had two boys and 1 girl; but her oldest son was my youngest kid age. We were even born in the same month and year 6 days apart. In our conversations, we were able to finish each other’s sentences and thoughts. Hey I was in heaven, here I had someone just like me who knew and could relate to me as a person. We hung out at each-others home all the time, it really was a great friendship. My friend was a beautiful person with a great heart. I loved her like my actual sister.

Here’s the downfall, so the first issue came when one day, her children called saying that their mom was having a breakdown and needed someone. I rushed to her home and she was having a breakdown, being a single parent is so not easy. But after she was able to calm down we spoke about her issues and later those issues caused her to have to move back home with her dad just to be able to re-group. In her absence that kind of put strain on our friendship because I felt that although she was some little ways away, keeping in touch still should not have been hard. But after a year or two, she got everything back together and came back to the city and we started to pick back up where we left off..Then he happened. So she hooked up with a guy from her past, their relationship became instant and although she had just got her situation back together, she left her home she was renting, moved in with him, and before I knew it they were married. This time, she had an issue trying to balance a friendship and a marriage. By no means did I feel I came before her husband or family life, however, I felt that friendships are important relationships as well and need to me nurtured too. But it seemed as I tried to explain this, she felt as if I was jealous of her situation or did not support her, so our relationship instantly came to a halt. We just stopped speaking, I chose to let go.

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Late last year just before Thanksgiving we hooked back up again. Her divorce was becoming final and she was seeming like her old self again. She invited my kids and I over for Thanksgiving it was great. But I soon realized something. Our friendship wasn’t the same. Either I didn’t see her our relationship the same or I no longer seen that genuine and authentic woman I met some years ago. Our conversations were even a challenge. We no longer had anything in common, she was or seemed to be a very materialistic person with great ambition but a lack of discipline. All our conversations were about her and her situations and it seemed as if we talked or communicated on her terms. It got me to thinking of all the ups and downs we have had in our friendship. I start to wonder to myself “what do I do with this friendship now?” She was not the person I met and had a friendship with, we didn’t have anything in common anymore, she gained this all about her attitude, and the wanna be factor was killing me. I did not see how this friendship would serve or uplift her or I. And after pondering over it for some time, it only took the next situation to arise before I let the friendship go for good.  It was just not worth my energy anymore, and you know what, I’m so okay with it. I love her, I miss her, but I can love, honor, and root for her from afar. I don’t’ need her in my everyday life.

I shared that story to express that people truly do come into our lives “For a Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime”. All are not going to stay. Relationships are meant to benefit us in some form or another. Be it a small benefit or large, we all should receive something from our relationships, not emptiness. I realized that although my friend and I had so much in common back then, we are still two different people with two different mindsets and directions in life. God placed her in my life, and me in hers for us to help each other get through the obstacles we were facing at that time and that we did. She was not meant to be a permanent structure in my life and i wasn’t meant to be in hers. She and I have grown and evolved into two very different women that want very different things out of life and it’s okay… I have learned that happiness and mental health are two very important things in life. There is really no need to hold on to things or people that don’t make you happy or benefit you in some kind of way. Understand that change is evident, that includes people we love at times. Sometimes we just have to let go….

 

Thanks for Reading

 

Empress….

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So he’s your Romeo, But you’re not his Juliet…What’s a girl to Do?

I don’t think there isn’t one woman on this planet that does not dream of having a once in a lifetime astounding love. We all want a lover that will love, honor, cherish, respect, and sweep us off of our feet. To experience that type of love to me is a one in a lifetime opportunity. I was once loved that way by someone but unfortunately at that time I didn’t even love myself so I did not know how to accept his love let alone love him properly in return.

So moving forward a couple of years later, I found a new great guy. I seen so much potential in him. I think I planned our lives in my head within the first month of knowing him (of course not letting him know). So in the beginning, all was well and good, but after some time things started to fall off. If I didn’t send a text to say hi, he would not say anything, if he would respond to my text at all. When we would speak, he never bothered to ask of my well-being. It started to seem as if I was the one he would call when he had nothing else to do. Of course when I would question it, the answer would always be sorry I was busy or had this and that to do. But at my age I definitely know that no matter how busy one is, If they want to see me, they will create time. So I started going through this stage of realizing what this situation really was; but was still making excuses for why this love was not panning out how I imagined. I mean I was like “I’m a beautiful, well-rounded, and exceptional woman so it isn’t me lol”..maybe he just has troubling trusting women..I will just give a little more love..and he will come around. Well that led to my feelings being hurt even more. Not once did I ever stop to think that he just was not into me. I was not the apple in his eye and I needed to move on. It literally took for him to disrespect me before I realized that this guy did not have a lick of care for me.

Why do we women do that? When we care for someone and can clearly see that their feelings aren’t mutual, we wait and wait hoping they will come around, make excuses for what is wrong, or worry about how we can make things better.

How about looking it other possibilities like we just may be to amazing for him where he is to intimidated to love us….But really sometimes it’s not that we all aren’t beautiful and great in our own little ways, however every love interest is just not meant to be. Ever heard “A person will be in your life for a Reason, Season, or a Lifetime” Yep it’s true. So if you find yourself dealing with this type situation. Just let it go…You can’t make anyone love you, they have to want too. Always look at their actions over their words, actions don’t lie. And lastly if they show you they don’t want you, believe them move on, it’s not make-believe. It hurt a little or a lot. They will be on your mind constantly, but try to stay focused on yourself and what you know you deserve. And in time you will be brand new again…

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Hope you enjoyed the post…don’t be shy, feel free to comment..Thanks for reading..

Signing Off,

Empress….

Fear of Rejection; How do you handle it?

As I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking of a current situation that I am going through with a friend. This friend for the most part is a good person, however I have experienced some days where she has treated me a certain type of way because she was not feeling happy that day or was upset with me for something she feels I had or had not done.  And at this point, since it has happened on more than one occasion,  I felt it was best for me to let that friendship go because while I understand everyone has their days, I also know that I was not the cause of her issues; so to treat me a certain type of way anytime she feels upset is just not acceptable. I am one who believes that even when one is having a down day, its easy to say, ” hey I’m not feeling well today, I don’t want to talk right now” I will not take that to heart. I will attempt to help, but if not I will give the time and space they may need to feel better. Anyway this situation also made me question myself as to why I gave up on her so easily and I wondered did it have anything to do with a Fear of Rejection.

Its said that the Fear of Rejection can affect one’s life on so many levels, in personal, social, and professional situations. It can also bring so many other issues into ones life-like “Pride” and we all know that pride is a blessing but more of a curse. It causes us to never be open with what we are feeling or going through; Moreover it causes us not to ask for help when it’s truly needed. Because we are in fear of someone seeing our weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Like not wanting to be seen as weak or needy.  I can say honestly that, that is the story of my life.

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From a very young age I first experienced what I felt was rejection from my mother and father due to them not being the parents that they could have been. Now of course at my age and understanding, I know that they were young and may not have understood the seriousness of raising children. But I realize now that, that was when my fear for rejection came into play. So throughout out my life I learned to cope with it by getting rid of the friend, job, or relationship before they rid themselves of me. Sadly most of the time, it was not the case on their end, but my fear of rejection caused me to run because maybe I could not handle being rejected. Even on the professional level, I knew that I could do and go after certain things and projects  and more than likely would have been successful at it, but I chose not to pursue again due to being in fear of being rejected or not doing well.

In closing, at my tender matured age now.. those feeling are still very much alive at times; However, I have learned that everyone experiences rejection in some form or another. Rejection now only makes me stronger and more eager to win. I understand that communication is key with anything or anybody. while I may feel one is rejecting me, it may not be the case, I just need to get clarity. On the professional level I still second guess myself at times, but I no longer hold back, because its better to try and fail than to fail for not trying at all right.. I will be the first to say, having a fear for rejection is a sad feeling, it can block you from lots of great experiences in life. Its constant work on your part to heal and imperative to get help if needed. But my advise to anyone one struggling with this is to learn to love yourself and jump out into life and live…Whats the worst that can happen.

Signing Off,

Empress

Five mistakes Friends w/Benefits make!

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Embarking on a casual dating, no-strings attached type relationship is serious business even though its supposed to be light and fun. I would say at least 90% of these types of relationships end in both the man and woman feeling a certain type of way about each other simply because they were not prepared for this type of relationship or one of them weren’t being honest and upfront in the beginning.

When getting into a no strings attached relationship, some ground rules need to be set from the beginning and both the man and woman should have a very clear understanding of what the friendship is it and what it isn’t, what can happen and what can’t, and last being honest with each other about what they are really looking for. Like don’t get into this type of relationship and two weeks down the line look for him to make you his girlfriend or her your boyfriend. If he/she can get it all by not giving you any kind of a commitment, honey he/she will take it and won’t be looking for change anytime soon.

Below are the Top Five mistakes we make in a FWB relationship.

1) Becoming a FWB with your co-worker or neighbor

So this is a no no because this means you are constantly around this person so anytime they flirt or go on a lunch date with someone at work, you will start to feel a certain type of way and find yourself being a bit stalker-ish lol. And if its your neighbor its even worst because you get to see who else he or she is boning at night..lol

2) Having Expectations! Only expect to he his or her lay, and occasional date.

Really…Don’t bother or you will be disappointed each time. Yes you two may have lots in common, loads of fun, or maybe some great connection when you two are together. But don’t read into that or try to analyze it. You will get your feelings hurt in the end because that other person may not share the same connection that you feel you two have.

3) Accepting a FWB relationship when you know you want more!

This not fair. Not for you and not for your FWB. If you know you want a committed relationship, don’t even bother to get into this type of friendship. You will give yourself a lot of sleepless nights like this and find yourself having a attitude with your FWB when you put yourself in that position from the start. If someone says I just want friends, “listen” don’t feel you can change them or it may eventually lead to something else. Even If it can, just get that understanding upfront.

4) Getting too Personal!

Spending a night, should be out. Get it in and leave or put them out. No holding and bonding, it creates feelings for one of the two which is where the expectations start. Go on a date or two, have fun, and light conversations. Do not talk about your home or work life, they don’t need to know.

5) Not protecting yourself!

You will have no idea of whom else your FWB is sleeping with despite them telling you there is no one else. STD’s and Pregnancy can happen on those long drunken or emotional nights and early mornings. It can also create more intimate feelings. I feel when we allow someone into our bodies raw or have oral sex, we are allowing their spirit into our own and since your relationship is not that kind of party, you should definitely stay away from it.

Well ladies and gents that’s my five tips on saving yourself in a FWB relationship. I personally feel it’s the worst idea ever thought of and just like social media, it gives us more of a disconnect as a people and does not hold us accountable for creating, having, or keeping good healthy relationships.

Signing Off, 

Empress Hadiya…

May-December Romances…Do they really last?

May-December Romances...They they really last?

So I’m sure at one time or another we all have heard of May-December Romances. May-December Relationships often involve a wealthy older man and a younger beautiful woman; with the older lover sponsoring all the things his young lover’s heart desires. But nowadays older women have joined the popular wisdom. Older women have also started taking care of younger men as long as they supply their needs. Most of these relations seem to have formed from the older man or woman coming from divorce, being widowed, or maybe the older lover focusing on a career, business, or life in general in their younger years; and not taking love so seriously. So in their older years they grow lonely and seek excitement, fun, and sexual healing…and may I add, is willing to pay whatever they have to, to get the younger lover and keep them. The younger lover on the other hand gives a fallacy of love in order to gain wealth, social status, or advancement opportunities. In some cases the December lover is aware and don’t mind the absence of real genuine love; however, in most cases one is surely deceiving the other to get what they want from the relationship.

In my younger years I had a May-December romance with and older gentleman. In the beginning my intentions were solely based on what I could get from the relationship; however, I was thrown for a loop and actually grew feelings for the old joker…He was a great man and supplied me with so many things, not just material wise, but knowledge and wisdom as well. The down fall was he was older, had lived life, and was set in his own ways. I was young, vibrant, and wanted fun and action. Not to spend every Saturday night in his Jacuzzi, watching CNN. My older lover also had insecurities. Every man that I would come in contact with, that was younger; he felt I wanted them in some sort of way. Later came the midnight rides by my house to see who was there. Graduating to stalker like behavior which made me have to end the relationship. After leaving that relationship, I promised myself that I would never involve myself in such a relationship again. It was a hard and stressful relationship, I’m almost sure it was just as stressful to him. But by both of us wanting whatever we wanted from each other, we were willing to deal with certain behaviors that we wouldn’t have had to deal with; had we chose to date someone of our own age and status.

In conclusion, I feel that in order to date someone that is of a significant age difference from yourself, you still will have to have some kind to liking or understanding of the other person. Because it will be lots of ups and downs or plus and minuses. The May- December Romance may be an enjoyable ride, however, in my opinion; the ride will be a short one, because eventually both will have to face the fact that they are living a fallacy of emotions to satisfy his or her needs. And in time all those hidden intentions or insecurities will begin to surface and tear apart the May-December Romance anyway.

What are your thoughts? Do you feel that these types of relationships are healthy? Do they really last?